emokid life.

~~Friday, July 31, 2009~~

Friday, July 31, 2009

irritated. moodless.
wanted to chill out..
but gets irritated.
just wanted a listening ear.
yeah, found one. my dearest blog..zzz.

nobody would understand my feelings for today.
i could not find any word to describe how is it like either.
it just sucks.
maybe it is time for me to go for reflections at one side now.
feeling damn miserable..zzz
nobody would understand it.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Wednesday, July 29, 2009~~

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It's wednesday again.
Stay at home. Did some research..
This is what i found;

How Is Depression Different From Regular Sadness?

Everyone has some ups and downs, and sadness is a natural emotion. The normal stresses of life can lead anyone to feel sad every once in a while. Things like an argument with a friend, a breakup, doing poorly on a test, not being chosen for a team, or a best friend moving out of town can lead to feelings of sadness, hurt, disappointment, or grief. These reactions are usually brief and go away with a little time and care.

Depression is more than occasionally feeling blue, sad, or down in the dumps, though. Depression is a strong mood involving sadness, discouragement, despair, or hopelessness that lasts for weeks, months, or even longer. It interferes with a person's ability to participate in normal activities.

Depression affects a person's thoughts, outlook, and behavior as well as mood. In addition to a depressed mood, a person with depression can also feel tired, irritable, and notice changes in appetite.

When someone has depression, it can cloud everything. The world looks bleak and the person's thoughts reflect that hopelessness and helplessness. People with depression tend to have negative and self-critical thoughts. Sometimes, despite their true value, people with depression can feel worthless and unlovable.

Because of feelings of sadness and low energy, people with depression may pull away from those around them or from activities they once enjoyed. This usually makes them feel more lonely and isolated, making the depression and negative thinking worse.

Depression can be mild or severe. At its worst, depression can create such feelings of despair that a person thinks about suicide.

Depression can cause physical symptoms, too. Some people have an upset stomach, loss of appetite, weight gain or loss, headaches, and sleeping problems when they're depressed.

thats all..
dont wanna say much.
it says it all.
life sucks.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Monday, July 27, 2009~~

Monday, July 27, 2009

enough of the acts.
fake smile serious kills.
it gains more hatred instead. -.-
shall stop that.
you are just making my life more miserable each day.
i hate to see you but i have to face it.
i dont like it and i have no choice.
nightmares everyday
thats enough to kill me. zzz
i am dead tired, in my mind.
i just cant stop my mind from thinking about those stuffs.
i am seriously depressed.
i hate myself now.
YOU SUCKS!

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Sunday, July 26, 2009~~

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Sucks to be alive.
Been facing problems everytime.-.-
Stares..
been laugh at..
couldnt stand it anymore.
what is this
i didnt ask for it.
thought that life would be better.
to think that i am just deceiving myself.
why cant you just leave me alone.
you make it more worse for me instead.
the hate is getting stronger after that.

I am not going to believe you anymore.
forcing myself to do what i dont like to do.
i know that whatever i did,
i could not make you happier.
he can do that.
i shall stop here.
i am not going to do anything.
I HATE STARES. -.-
I hate life.
it sucks.

Presence is Absent,
Absence is Present.
when i am there, nobody cares.
when i left, everybody comes.
pointless..
you cant remove the hates that grows in the heart.
whats the point.
leave me alone.. zzz.

Friends are in vain; we're better off this way.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Wednesday, July 22, 2009~~

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Why is it that people doesnt really listen to me.

Is it difficult to trust what i said?

Whenever i tell them the truth, nobody would believe.

Wait till whatever happens then you will bother?

If it realy happens, its just too late.

Nobody seems to understand me,

I dont understand them too.

When i told them what i am really feeling,

they treat it as nothing.

Does that sounds like a story to you?

I did talk to myself every night.

Once my eyes are shut,

nightmares came along.

I hate to see you in my dream.

I hate the result of my dream.

Perhaps it shows my future..

falling from building.

the most freakiest thing i ever seen.

it looks so real

but i could not be able to see what will happen after next.

hallucinations.

i could see figures.

they are all around me.

but i could not see them when i turn my head.

DEATH is the only word i could see every night.

I am dead tired.

Should i continue faking that smile and treat it as nothing's wrong?

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Monday, July 20, 2009~~

Monday, July 20, 2009

i feel so hopeless now..
yeah, damn hopeless.
could not find any meaning of life anymore.
life just sucks.
why my life change so much suddenly.
trembling worsen.
hallucinations started.
moodless.
nobody cares.
i guess i have myself to depend on.
nobody knows what is going on.
nevermind.
i try to face it myself.
friends are no longer the people i could rely on.
no more.
no more meaning.
meaningless.
could not catch their attention either.
i shall live my life like this.
from now on.
stop relying on others.
time to change..
death, perhaps is the better choice.
my presence is absent, my absence is present.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Sunday, July 19, 2009~~

Sunday, July 19, 2009

did a quiz on a website. this is the result.. >.<
sad because of my grief. o.o

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

too much time to get wasted for today..
decided to do some research on what have been happening to me for the past few months.

body trembling isnt something that could be neglected i guess.>.<
have been experiencing it for many months.
thought that it is nothing serious.
in fact, it is all about how i think.
perhaps this is cause by the environment.
i hate my life more after reading the descriptions.

so, what causes trembling?
strong emotion, such as fear, anger, or anxiety stress or fatigue being cold.

lets take a look at anxiety disorder.
it begins after a triggering event..
shall not elaborate more on that.
Accompanied by physiological symptoms, sounds serious uh.
Examples are headache, sweating, muscle spasms, palpitations, and hypertension.
some cases lead to fatigue or even exhaustion.
symptons that i have with me before are headache, sweating and muscle spasms.
fatigue: does decreased of food consumed per day count?
exhaustion: hmm yup. getting exhausted easily, damn sleepy even after sleeping for more than 10 hours.. -.-

guess what causes anxiety disorder?
its depression..
cool, i experiencing depression.. -___-
but who cares?
dont feel like writing anymore.
if only everyone cares...

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Saturday, July 18, 2009~~

Saturday, July 18, 2009

hmm, did a quiz on What's your personality type.
The result:

The Nurturer

You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.
A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways.
In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.
You find it easy to be devoted to one person... a partner who you do special things for.

In love, you express your emotions through actions.
Taking care of someone is how you love them. And you do it well!

At work, you do well in a structured environment. You complete tasks well and on time.
You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

How you see yourself: Competent, dependable, and detail oriented

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, dominant, and stuck in a rut

i guess it is totally true..
about love, yeah. thats right ba.hah
may not be perfectly well but at least i do it well. :)

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

We born alone, We die alone.
Apparently, we live alone.
Watched a show and came across the quote.
but,i dont feel so right now.:)

you are the one that makes my life perfect.
i dont feels lonely while chatting with you.
perhaps i should share it with her some day.
fears..
i fear that it would be the same as before.
rejection is not a problem.
the problem is about one sided love..
i dont wish to be like that once again.
i am still trying to get someone out of me.
still trying my best and not giving up.

i needed you more than yesterday.
i want you to be by my side everyday.
perhaps this was a dream.

indeed it was a dream..
thought that i could have you by my side everyday.
thats just my wishful thinking.
now should i hold on or give up..
it was all too late.
i hope i could turn the time backwards..:(
life just sucks.

guess the quote is right.
we born alone, we die alone.
so we should live alone.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Thursday, July 16, 2009~~

Thursday, July 16, 2009

i am lost.
i dont know what to do.
could someone tell me what i can do?
whatever stuffs that i wanted to do,
i find it difficult.
thats because i am missing something.
companion.
perhaps i should give up with the thoughts of having companion.
i could not really find any. lol.
even if i could find one,
he/she would not the time to accompany me everytime.

shall live my life alone.
perhaps i would be happier?
without having headaches of searching for people that could accompany you.

tomorrow having test from circuit analysis.
great. i am not going to study for it.
it sucks.
so much formulaes, so much calculations.
thats all, bye.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Wednesday, July 15, 2009~~

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Emptiness.
strong feeling of emptiness.
something is missing..
shall post it out.
theres nobody that could really understand me.
only my best friend,loneliness, understand me.
in search for someone who would really care and make me stand up again.

for once, i felt perfect.
but it is gone in just one fine day.
you would never understand it.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Tuesday, July 14, 2009~~

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

well. these few days have been working hard on studies.
tried doing worksheet questions.
hardworking? haha.
better start working hard.
tired of getting C or D everyday.lol.
as usual.
after school, no where to go.
but meet up with friends for dinner.
before meeting them,
went to look at lip studs..
shall go and buy some tomorrow.lol.

and..
i finally take out the stud from my lip! -.-
have been trying hard to take it out for like 30 minutes.
but screw it back like takes up only 30 seconds. -________-
thats lame.haha

it seems like i have been getting on great.
but, why does the feeling still stays so strong?
its such a torture for me to see stuffs that hurts alot.
i dont know how to put them in words,
and theres only one word that could describe it.
HURT.

yesterday night wasnt that great to me.
sudden flash back of some unpleasant stuffs
which i stop thinking for weeks.
it just came to my mind suddenly
goddamn it.
one word again. HURT.
why cant i just forget it...
life just sucks.

seems like i am getting less socialable.
cant really speak much to anybody.
sometimes, i cant stand the way how people speak.
please, think before you speak.
shall not elaborate more.
i think i shall give up in interaction.
interracting with people seems to be most
difficult thing i can do right now.
i am stuck with myself.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Sunday, July 12, 2009~~

Sunday, July 12, 2009

got a new skin.
sick of the old one.lol.
life sucks.
not going to blog much.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

got a new skin.
sick of the old one.lol.
life sucks.
not going to blog much.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Friday, July 10, 2009~~

Friday, July 10, 2009

the time is here. once again, time for blogging. >.<
night time seems to be much better for me.
tiring day again.
seems like wearing a mask everyday wear me out easily.
perhaps i should just show how i would looks like.=X
some people may think that it is just bullshit.
thats depends on whether you wanna believe or not.
and thats not my problem either.

Everything seems wrong and nothing was right.
i could not do anything
just do what i feel like
loneliness is killing me.
solitary world is trying to kick me out
stuck in between
solitary world or reality.
going out is not what i hate.
i hate it when i am unable to go out.
i hate going out alone.thats me. -.-

theres too many things in my mind.
i just cant stop it from moving.
life simply sucks.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Wednesday, July 8, 2009~~

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

back to blog.
super tired when step out of the house.
getting lazier each day
dont feel like going out nowadays.
guess i am just tired of everything.

got a new piercing on my lip.
thanks benny for accompany..haha.

nobody would understand how i feels
dont give me a path to go
i just want to be myself.
you think you giving loads of advices are great
this is just bullshit
fuck up life

putting on a mask everyday is just killing me
i just wanna have some great life..

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Sunday, July 5, 2009~~

Sunday, July 05, 2009

You never see my tears, but that doesn't mean I don't cry. You never feel my pain, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt. You only see me smile, and that doesn't mean that I am happy.

What i need is perhaps just some understanding.
Either you dont wish to listen to me or i dont wish to listen to you.
You always wanted me to stop that emo stuffs
have you ever wondered why am i doing that. -.-
loneliness is killing me.
i cant stand it anymore
i need something to release that pain inside me
forget it, seems like nobody understand it.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.

~~Friday, July 3, 2009~~

Friday, July 03, 2009

People could never understand me.
I dont understand them either.
Never did, never will.

shall stop here.
not going to bother this anymore
why cant people just understand it
i dont understand, seriously
why i have to give up what i like to do just because everyone doesnt like to do it?
why ask me to do what others like to do when they dont even care about giving a damn
ridiculous excuses
ridiculous nonsense
ridiculous life

why must i follow the world
i just want to be myself
not to be a person just like who you like
you have no control of my life
assholes.

Everything I've believed in, has lied to me.